An Apology

Dec 1, 2020 | All Entries, Living

Over the course of my life, I’ve apologized for a lot. Some of those apologies were very needed, but some were maybe just expected. A lot of what I apologized for was related to who I was; an erotic artist, or a non-monogamist at heart, or a sensitive poet, or Buddhist, or a person who wasn’t exactly straight or bi.

It’s taken years for me to both accept and share some aspects of myself that weren’t ‘normal’, but now that I’m going public with pretty much all of them, I thought it was time for one more apology.

I hope it’ll be the last one I ever have to make…Before you get all ‘oh you’ll fuck up again, get off it,’ let me describe this apology. It’ll be to myself. I want to make the last apology to myself.

So, here goes nothing. Matto, I’m sorry it took me so long to have the confidence (and support) I/you needed to really be yourself. I did the best I could. I could argue that, actually, you should be thanking me for preparing you for this perfect moment, but I’m not going to argue that.

Uh, this feels like it’s incredibly self indulgent, but I did have a goal… I think the bigger thing is not what the apology is, but that I want to live in a way where I never feel like I’m holding back, or not being honest with myself, or not being my truest self. I just want to live every day being my genuine self, and if I do, I feel like I won’t ever need to apologize to myself.

But I’ll most definitely fuck something up now and then, and I’ll apologize for that to whoever I let down. (I just don’t want it to ever be me again.)